Grief. This is one of the scariest words in the English language. We all suffer from the loss of a loved one whether its a parent, close family member or, in my case, a lifelong friend.
Sara and I met my first day of school in the 1st grade, I was the new kid and didn’t know anyone yet. I was very nervous until the sweet little girl with the brown hair and brown eyes smiled my way. We instantly became the best of friends. Fortunately for me, that friendship lasted over two decades until the day she was taken.
A Life Taken Too Soon
On January 9, 2018, I saw the first post from her dad. Sara had suffered a massive asthma attack that resulted in cardiac arrest. Doctors and nurses at the hospital did their very best to save her but it was her time.
Less than a week later, I saw the news that will forever live in my thoughts. My childhood best friend had passed away. It was a punch in the gut. My heart felt cold and heavy and I felt a sadness I had never felt before. Everything became a blur and I felt emotionally broken.
How I dealt with my grief
I was continuously falling into a black hole of depression and I was angry all of the time. How could this be happening? Of all the people in this world, why her? I didn’t understand. Suddenly, I was quick to anger and snapped at the people closest to me – my husband and good friends in particular. Fake smiles and jokes hid my sadness or so I believed. Inside I was a mess. I was heartbroken and I wasn’t dealing with my grief.
I walked blindly through most days. And, it took everything in me to get out of bed or off the couch. Only the knowledge of having two children to care for was what got me moving.
As the days blended into weeks and months, I found myself alone. No one wanted to be around me and I honestly couldn’t blame them. I was completely alone.
Help finally came
Finally about six months after losing Sara someone noticed. Someone grabbed my arm and tugged. They told me I was becoming isolated and angry. My negativity was affecting everyone around me. It was harsh, but a much needed huge slap in the face. Inside I was screaming at them, yelling it wasn’t true and they just wanted to hurt me more. All while on the outside nodding my head and agreeing with them. I went home angrier than I had ever been, my heart was pounding and the dark hole was getting bigger and bigger.
It took weeks for me to realize that what was said was exactly what I needed to hear to help me out of this darkness that had become my only friend. I found that I wasn’t dealing with my grief. I was holding onto it as though it was my only link to Sara.
Six Months Later
Finally, after months of anger, I cried! I sat down and let the tears flow through me. I realized then that was the first time since her viewing that I had shed any tears. My grief had been killing me emotionally.
So I instead of allowing it to swallow me I decided to just sit and remember my sweet friend. Let me tell you the memories came flooding in. We had one heck of a run. She was a part of so many adventures and those are the things that keep me linked to her. If it hadn’t been for that one friend who pulled me out I don’t know what my grief would have become.
Although I miss Sara every day I am finding it easier to smile and laugh. I still have days when I find it hard to get moving but I am getting better.
So to those of you out there who are in the same boat as me please know that you are not alone.