I get a notification that it’s time to pick a topic for my next blog post. I try to read said message, but, having gone for a swim recently, my phone keeps kicking me out and insisting that I am trying to open Voice Control – like it does every 2.5 seconds. So, I guess you could say this topic picked itself: how to break your cell phone
While we’ve had more close calls than I care to admit – thus far I’ve managed to keep my three kids alive. I cannot say as much about my cell phone(s). If you ever have a strong urge to unexpectedly spend a ton of money on something you owned the day before, or if you simply want to piss your husband off – I’ve got you covered! Here are my five easy + fool proof ways to break your cell phone!
1.) Stalk people you hate
One would think I am too old for this to be an issue. It appears I am not. Seeing someone you loathe doing anything other than cry and be miserable can spark extreme emotions. This is why you should avoid looking at the social media accounts of people you disdain, where people typically over-emphasize the positive end of the spectrum. Seeing “the idiot stick figure with no soul” (SATC reference – if you’re not familiar, leave now) show up happy on your phone is not a safe position for your phone to be in. It appears throwing said phone has zero impact on the person on your screen, but can have disastrous effects on your bank account. So if you’re looking to break your phone and join the crazy club in one smooth move – this could be a good option for you!
2.) Don’t pack beach toys
Kids are resourceful. If you’re like me, and you forget to pack beach toys regularly, the kids will learn to use their imagination and find something to play with. Usually, this is an awesome characteristic, but not always. One day we were at the inlet at low tide. I was sitting in a tide pool with my wagon on my right and one year old on my left. He was splashing away and squealing happily next to me. When I looked over, I realized he was so happy because he managed to sneak my phone out of my wagon and was using it as an underwater shovel. It’s unknown how long this digging took place. What is known is phones are not designed to be underwater shovels. This method of breaking phones is great if you are too nervous to break your own phone. It gives you the ability to sit back and watch your child break your phone for you.
3.) Sleep in
We were visiting family out of town. Per usual when visiting family I haven’t seen in awhile I stayed up all night (and into the morning) chatting and catching up. When I eventually went to bed, I had my phone with me, though it was dead. We co-sleep so my one-year-old was already in bed sleeping when I finally checked out for the night (quick call CPS!). A couple of hours later my three kids were awake and ready to party. I was not. I continually hit the internal snooze while they ran around destroying my mother in laws house. When I finally got up my phone was no longer in the bed, it had clearly walked off with one of my anti-sleeping children. A week long visit and several times turning the house upside down and it never reappeared. We finally concluded one of the toddlers threw it away. The irony is not lost on me given our families dumpster diving hobby. This is a great option for all moms, given none of us have really slept enough since attaining our title “mom.”
4.) Buy a new phone
When our Verizon contract was almost over we decided we would switch to a cheap month to month plan with a different carrier in an attempt to not bleed out money on cell phone bills every month. My iPhone was still in perfect condition, and the new carrier had phones for $30. The plan was to sell my iPhone and use that money to pay for the difference of ending the contract early. My husband went to Boost Mobile and switched over our plan on his lunch break. As I was walking out the door to go pick up my new phone, I dropped my iPhone and watched it shatter at my feet. Needless to say, we wound up eating the cost of terminating our cell plan early. And, turns out, our phones didn’t get service inside of our house, so we ultimately switched back to Verizon a couple of months late. I actually don’t really recommend this method to anyone – but if you do go this route I will buy you a glass of wine to take the edge off. . . then drop said glass on the floor for you.
5.) Don’t break your phone
I’ve come to the conclusion the only way not to break a phone is not to have a phone. So when you break your current phone, just don’t bother buying a new one, and you’ll never have to break a phone again! Whoever thought lugging a piece of expensive glass around with a herd of children was a great idea is clearly the person who needs to get it together, not you (read me).