The phrase “40 and Fabulous” is a big fat lie. Yes, there are some very nice perks to being 40, but let’s face it, aging isn’t easy in this Instagram filtered world of Crossfit, jogging strollered glistening Moms. I am creeping up on 42 and everything hurts, aches, sags and wrinkles most of the time. I would like to pretend that it is so effortless to maintain a “healthy” weight and leave the house without any makeup. The truth is 40 is a lot of work.
One morning not too long ago, I had just hopped out of the shower and was going through my normal getting ready routine. I felt this new sensation of something touching the back of my leg. At first, I thought is was my bathrobe. Nope, it was just my buttcheek settling into its new comfy resting place. I mean it has been holding itself up pretty nicely for the past 40 years, I guess it just needed a break. No one warned me about things like this. Women seem to just talk about how you really “find” yourself at 40, how you become empowered by really loving yourself.
It doesn’t help that 40 really sneaks up on you. I feel like I was just in college a few years ago. I feel like I just got my act together (somewhat) and there is no way that middle age is closer to me than my twenties are. In the meantime, while I was living in my “I am never getting older bubble” lots of things were changing that I felt like someone could have given me a little heads up about.
Seriously, as if the buttcheek droop wasn’t bad enough now the skin above my knees is just as tired. You expect the basic wrinkles like crows feet and even the number 11 wrinkle between your eyebrows, but your knees? Yes, these wrinkles seemed to magically appear the first Spring after I turned 40. I put on a cute little sundress and while checking myself out in the mirror to make sure I was all set to leave the house, I noticed what looked like a series of skin frowns, aka wrinkles, just above my knees. Butt droop and knee droop apparently go hand in hand.
The 9pm Nap
Oh wait, this is just my new bedtime. I used to be able to stay up until at least 10:30 without batting an eye. Now, as soon as I sit down anytime after 8pm it is all I can do to keep my eyes open. Not even the latest episode of This is Us can keep me awake these days. I have to have an evening cup of coffee for any events running past 9 o’clock.
The Tinkle Effect
This is a fun one to find out about in the middle of your strength and conditioning workout while at one of those hip gyms full of beautiful people working hard to combat their knee wrinkles. It seems any activity involving jumping while holding a weight, or squeezing your abs while squatting and holding a weight just makes you pee your pants a little. I would also recommend avoiding trampolines or the indoor trampoline park unless you are wearing some Depends.
The Specs Appeal
No, your iPhone screen is not going bad and your computer monitor is not on the fritz. It’s just your tired old eyes no longer wanting to give their best effort to see things crystal clear. I do refuse to wear those “cheater” glasses they sell at the pharmacy. And NO way am I getting one of those granny chains to carry them around on. I just went straight to the eye doc and got a super cute pair of name brand trendy specs to wear. Plus side: my hubby likes the sexy librarian look.
I guess aging is somewhat like childbirth. If you knew all the real things that your body went through with pregnancy and childbirth you would probably never miss a birth control pill. While the aging process can’t be stopped, it is helpful to know what you are up against and that you are not alone in the battle. It also helps to accept some of these changes with grace and pride. Chasing youth and beauty can take up way too much time. I think instead of the boob job or the botox I will just buy a better bra, recognize my laugh lines as evidence of a happy life, and giggle as my five-year-old pinches my new found knee wrinkles.