Don’t tell anyone . . . but . . . I’m happier now that I am divorced. Yes, I am more anxious and more susceptible to LARGE amounts of ‘mom guilt.’ I am more likely to chug cups of coffee and look for a nice drink once the kids are in bed. And I am definitely more exhausted. Happiness, though, is at the top of that list.
I did not WANT to be a 33-year-old, divorced, mom of two girls. In fact, I fought against this title more than anyone I can imagine. I am also the cliché/statistic — children of divorce are more likely to get divorced themselves. I’m not a fan of a stereotype or a cliché. I found myself here almost a year ago and I am still in the trenches of what my next phase is, but I find myself happier not trying to be someone I wasn’t and being the person I am.
I don’t know what I am doing some days, and truly, there have been some I wanted to stay in bed and cry and hide from the outside world. But, I’m a mom and there is no time for that when two, tiny humans need me to be their constant, their stability, their full attention, and a one woman show.
I started over in so many ways, and the hardest was moving and only knowing 4 people here (2 of those being my parents). I left behind friends, being president of a MOMS Club, the white picket fence house, the dream of being the nuclear family who has been married for 75 years, and the stability of all of it — for the relief to be happy. I was happy to an extent and it wasn’t always hard, it just got too hard to keep up the fake. It got too hard to ignore the signs that I was NOT supposed to be married to this person, and that this was not what I wanted for a marriage or to show my girls that this is what they should settle for.
No one saw it coming, most don’t know what happened or why, and you know what? That’s okay. In the few months since, I have learned more than ever to say “NO” to things, to be okay with peoples unwarranted judgment and to not judge others the way I may have previously. And, oh yeah dating. Dating is honestly the most ridiculous, best and worst, and humorous thing I am currently attempting with my life.
In no way, do I advocate that divorce is the best thing ever. In fact, I tell everyone that will listen, do what’s best for you, for your family and know that you have tried everything. I didn’t want to ever have to look my girls in the eye and not feel confident about my decision and not feel like I did my best. I DID do my best. My hope is that I do find my happily ever after because I never lost the hopeless romantic. Sometimes she’s in hiding but she’s always there. Right now, my happily ever after is living back in my “happy place,” with two amazing children, a revived faith in God, very supportive friends and family, an excellent co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, and a glass of champagne to toast to myself.
Happiness comes in different ways, and each day I attempt to find out what specifically makes me happy. There is always something to be thankful for. Being strong enough to find my own happiness is an exceptionally, amazing thing—if I do say so myself.